1.  Say "If your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer!"
    When they check, smack their hand knocking it into their face.

2.  Say "I can make your hand smell like Peanut butter/Strawberries 
    (or whatever)!"  Then you go this elaborate procedure of rubbing 
    their hand, and curling it into a fist, and rubbing it over and 
    every once in a while mumble about how it takes some time.  When 
    they smell their hand, smack it into their face.
 
3.  Grab their Ear/nose and say "Do you want your ear/nose any longer?"
    If they say "Yes", then you say "Okay I will make it longer," and 
    proceed to pull it as hard as you can.  If they say "No", then you
    say "Okay then I will take it.", and simply walk away while keeping
    a firm grip on their ear/nose.  You can use this one twice on the 
    same person. 

4.  I have never actually tried this one, but it is a really good one if 
    works.  First you need to find one of those weeds that has the little
    catepillars on it. They are not really catepillars, but are the tops
    of this weed, and look like catepillars. They look kind of like this 
    (please forgive my ascii art skills)
 
                          __\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\____
    (to front of mouth)   ======================= (to back of mouth)
                          --/////////////////----
    They are really green.  Any way get them to put this on the tip of the
    tounge.  like this.  
    |      |      |
    |      |      |
    |      |      |
    |      ~      |
    |      ~      |
     \     ~     /
      -----------
 
    The ~ represent the catepillar thing.  Now make them say "Here Kitty Kitty"
    When they say "kitty" the worm will shoot down into their mouth.  What
    makes this trick work is how you place the catepiller. See the above
    diagram.
 
5.  Grab their hand and hold it.  With your other hand you keep beat on their
    arm.  So when you say "it's" your free hand is on the their hand that you are
    holding.  When you say "about" you have your free hand on their elbow,
    when you say "time" your hand is on their shoulder.  then you start over
    at the hand for the second line, and the third line, but on the fourth
    line "I slap your face"  goes hand, elbow, shoulder, slap to the face.
    all with the beat of course.   Here is the poem you say.
    It's about time.
    It's about space.
    It's about time.
    I slap your face. smack.

6.  Whenever you play slapjack and you see a jack.  Slap your opponent. 

7.  Walk up behind, or beside someone.  Begin to scratch on their shoulder
    as if you are scraping off dried snot. ie use only one finger and scratch
    in one small area.  They will turn around and look at your hand, when
    they do slap their face.
 
8.  Dot dot 
    dash dash.
    spider crawling up your back 
    North wind blow
    egg crack.
    This can be fun or painful dpending on how you do the egg crack part.
    you stand behind the person, and when you say "dot dot"  you gently
    poke them once for each dot.  Then when you say "dash dash" you run
    your finger horizantally across their back, once for each dash.  For
    "spider crawling up your back" you start at the small of the back 
    and make you hand crawl up their back, stopping just under the neck.
    For "North wind blow" you blow a strong quick burst of air onto the back
    of their neck, if they have long hair you lift it out of the way.  Now
    for the optional pain part "egg crack".  Make a fist and place it on top 
    of their head.  Make a fist in your other hand, and bring it down on top
    of the other fist which is on their head.  Hard and fast if you want them
    to hurt, medium if you want them to hurt a little, soft if you just want 
    them to experience the sensation.  After you hit your fist, you open up
    your hand, and run both hands through their hair in an egg just broke on
    your head yolk is running down and into your hair motion.

9.  You say "Does your face hurt?"  If they answer "no", you say "Well it's
    killing me."  If the say "yes," you say "Well it should be `cause it's
    killing me."

10. You can use this one directly or lead into it.  To use it directly you
    say, "Hold your breath."  When they hold their breath you say, "Breath if
    you want to give me a blowjob."  I have seen people turn blue from this
    one.  To lead into it start off with stuff like, "if you would kiss a 
    girl stick out your tounge." Then "If you would kiss a girl on her
    breast, hold your breath."  Then "Breath if you want ...." 

11. Ask for their hand, hold it in your hand palm up.  Tell them that their
    hand is a piece of land that they inherited from a wealthy relative, and
    that they have to build to a Mansion on it.  Ask them where they want the 
    House, where they want the guest house, where they want the tennis court, 
    where they want the stables... etc, act really interested make suggestions.
    then ask where do they want the pool, and when they point to it, say ok
    and spit there. 

12. Ask "Do you want a hertz donut?" If they say yes, hit them as hard as you 
    can and say "Hurts don`t it."

13. Get a match, and aks someone, "Ever seen a match burn twice." If they say
    no, then you say "watch," light the match, let it burn, and say thats once.
    Blow the match out, and then quickly touch them with it, and say thats 
    twice.

14. Ask "Do you know the difference between lunch and a blowjob?"  If they say 
    "no," then say "Want to go to lunch?"  If they say "yes," then ask what the
    difference is, if they cannot tell you then ask "Want to go to lunch?"

15. Do you know the difference between a girl and an elevator?
    no: Then you better be careful before you go down on one.

16. Say "Smile if your a lesbian!" Almost everybody smiles.
    or "Smile if you want to have sex!"

17. Ask a person to stand with their leg raised, knee bent, and place their
    elbow on the knee of their raised leg.  Making a fist with the same hand
    place it directly under the chin, while sticking out there tounge.  Then
    Kick their foot.  You might sever the tounge if you kick too hard so be
    careful.

18. If your arm wrestling some goon, and you get tired of losing, ask him if he
    has ever Italian arm wrestled.  If he has he might just hit you right then
    and there.  Otherwise this is how it goes.  He gets in the same position 
    as he would to arm wrestle, but you are trying to pull his hand down and 
    away from him.  He is trying to pull it up.  You of course let him start
    to pull really hard then let go.  Smack right in the mouth.  You'd better
    be able to run really fast, because the person will try to kill you.  I
    know from first hand experience.


19. For this one stand directly in front of the person and rapidly move your
    hands past their face and say "Your running through a forest."  As your 
    hands go past their face say "You pass a tree."  Every once in a while
    swing your hand directly at their face then turn it away at the last
    moment and say "You almost hit a tree."  You should do this at least
    three times Then tell them to close their eyes. As soon as they do smack
    them on the forehead, and say "Silly you cannot run through a forest with
    your eyes closed." OR Do the same thing never tell them to close their
    eyes, but instead knee them in the crotch, and say, "Ouch you hit a 
    stump."
    
20. Ask "Have you ever sucked a sweeter peter than mine?"

21. Find a smoker that you hate, tell him that you can balance a cigarette
    on top of his (full hopefully) pack of cigarettes, hit it with your
    finger, and it will flip up and you can catch it in your mouth.  Make a
    big show of concentrating, and rearranging the cigarette.  Comment on how
    hard this is etc. Once you have the cigarette balanced on the pack move
    your hand up and down as if gauging the force you will need.  Like moving
    the cue stick in pool before you take a shot, then raise you hand high
    in the air, make a fist, and crush the whole pack of cigarettes.  Be
    prepared to run.

22. Ask "Have you ever been caught jacking off in the closet?" If they tell
    you "no" respond with "Good hiding place isn't it." If they say yes, just
    laugh.

23. If you are around someone who constantly sings with the radio, ask
    them "Where is the money I gave you?"  When they say "What money," you say
    "the money I gave you for singing lessons."

24. If you are around someone who constantly sings with the radio, ask
    them "Who sings this song?"  When they answer "Artist X," you say lets
    keep it that way.

25. Tell some guy that 90% of all men jack off in the shower, and 10%
    sing in the shower.  Ask them if they know the song that those 10% sing.
    If they say no then laugh and say you must jack off.

26. Tell someone that if you jack off you have a long curly black hair in
    between the two center knuckles on the hand you use.  Almost everyone
    looks.

27. For this you need a sharpened #2 wooden pencil, a piece of paper, and
    a quarter.  Find a victim and set the quarter down on the piece of paper
    in front of them.  Tell them that you wil give them the quarter if they
    are able to place it in the circle that you draw three times.  Now draw
    a circle around the quarter using the sharpened pencil make sure that you
    get plenty of graphite on the edge of the quarter with the side of the
    pencil lead.  Now tell your victim to run the edge of the quarter from
    their forehead to the tip of their nose.  Tell them it affects their
    sense of depth, what is really does is make a big black mark from their
    forehead to the tip of their nose. Do not laugh (yet).  Now have them
    try to place the quarter in the circle three times, they of course can.
    When they do it the first time look smug as if that is supposed to happen.
    On the second time look slightly concerned yet still confident.  On the
    third walk away muttering about nerve endings a lack of, seem baffled.
    Now laugh. The trick is to never let on that they have earned a stripe
    of stupidity.

28. Tell someone to place their pinkies in their mouth between their wisdom
    teeth, or their back teeth if the wisdom teeth have been pulled.  Now have
    them slowly bite down on their pinkies until they cannot stand the pain.
    When they have reached maximum pressure tell them to hold it for about
    30 seconds.  Now have them hook their pinkies together, and tell them to
    pull really hard on them.  It causes an incredible amount of pain.

29. Ask them what their favorite color is.  When they answer yell out
    "WRONG!".

30. Tell them you want to see who can hit/kick the softest.  If they say
    ok tell them to go first.  Hopefully they haven't played before and they
    will hit/kick you very softly.  Then when it is your turn knock the crap
    out of them and declare them the winner.

31. Ask someone if you can smell their pussy/asshole.  When they look at you
    as if your a pervert and say "No!"  You say, "Oh, then it must be your
    mouth."

32.  Tell someone that they have zackleys disease.  When they ask, "What is
     zackleys disease?"  You answer "That's where,
     your face looks excactly like your butt."
      - or -
     your breath smells excactly like your butt."
      - or -
     your nose looks exactly like my dick."
      - etc. -


33. Find someone with no butt, look pointedly at their butt and say "I see
    you have a terrible disease."  When they ask what disease you answer,
    "Why you have no assatall disease."

34.  Tell someone that you can make their breast/penis bigger.  When they ask
     how tell them to rub toilet paper on the breast/penis.  They will
     declare that that will not work.  Look puzzled then say, "Well it worked
     for your ass."

35. Ask someone to step on the same piece of water twice.

36.  When answering the phone, people often ask you
     "Is 'bob' there."  Simply answer yes and hang up, or
     answer yes and wait.

37. When talking to someone on the phone that is irritating you, ask them
    if they know what has a little dick and hangs upside down.  When they
    answer no you say, "A bat!"  then ask them what has a big dick and
    hangs up, when they answer no, hang up.